Clark Reveals His True Identity!
by jennifer snape
Summary: Superman spoof! Will anyone believe that Clark is really Superman? Office mayhem featuring Lois, Jimmy and our hero!
1. Chapter 1

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Clark Reveals His Identity

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Clark Kent, busy at his desk one morning, reaches to switch on his computer when -

Everyone in the office: "OH MY GOD! IT'S SUPERMAN!"

Everyone stares at him. Clark looks down at himself and notices that instead of a suit, he is wearing his blue and red trademark outfit. Oh _bugger_.

Jimmy (in raptures): "Wow! I wish Clark were here to see this! He's going to just _die_ when he finds out that Superman was sitting right at his desk!"

Clark (to himself): _The only thing I'm going to die of is disbelief at your stupidity._

Everyone rushes towards Clark and threaten to engulf him.

Clark panics in the face of this hurtling stampede and does the first thing he can think of.

He puts on his glasses.

Everyone: "Woah! Where did Superman go?"

They all rub their eyes in surprise and stop bull-dozing their way towards Clark. They instead search frantically under desks and chairs and start rewinding the CCTV to see if they can capture Superman's movements.

Jimmy and Lois turn to each other in complete bewilderment.

Lois (close to tears): "I – I don't get it - one moment he was sitting right there, then the next – he just disappeared - " She sobs her heart out.

Jimmy: "Shut up Lois. Oh, look - Clark is back from another one of those mysterious unexplained disappearances that he never accounts for. Let's ask him how his weekend was."

Lois (still sniffling): "Who on earth is Clark?"

Jimmy: "The person you've shared an office with for an eternity."

Lois: "Oh, _Clark_."

(Clark is still sitting at his desk in full red and blue glory - but with his glasses _on_ - so naturally, no one has the foggiest idea who he really is).

Jimmy: "Clark! You won't _believe_ what just happened!" He proceeds to tell him everything.

Clark (to himself): _The only thing I can't believe is what complete idiots you all are_.

Lois starts crying because Superman has again left without saying goodbye. This is becoming something of a habit. Tears stream down her cheeks and she realises she doesn't have a hanky.

Lois (quietly to Jimmy): "That man in the blue lycra suit and red cape – what's his name again?"

Jimmy: "Clark Kent"

Lois (to Clark): "Clark, can I wipe my nose with your red cape?"

Clark (rolling his eyes): "Yes of course, Lois."

When Lois has quite finished, Clark comes to the conclusion that it's time to reveal his true identity. He decides to break it to everyone gently.

He stands up and addresses the room.

Clark: "Has anyone ever wondered why Superman and I are never in the room at the same time?"

Office worker (to colleague): "Who on earth is this guy?"

Colleague (looks at Clark for a good few minutes before answering): "I've got absolutely no idea. I don't think I've ever seen him before."

Everyone ignores Clark. He clears his throat and tries again.

Clark (loudly): "Has anyone ever wondered why Superman and I are never in the room at the same time?"

Everyone (in bored voices): "Shut up and do your work."

He tries again.

Clark: "Has anyone ever wondered why I've got the same eyes, nose, mouth, accent, build, height, likes and dislikes, and genetic make-up as Superman?"

Everyone looks at him blankly.

Clark: "How about if I do this?"

Clark picks up fourteen desks with his little finger and raises them all above his head.

No one bats an eyelid.

Lois: "What are you trying to get at, Clark?"

Clark groans in frustration. He takes off his glasses and parts his hair in a slightly different way.

Everyone: "OH MY GOD! Look! Look! It's Superman! HE'S BACK!" Cameras flash and forty reporters rush up demanding an interview. Lois swoons in his arms.

Jimmy (whining): "Oh I can't _believe_ Clark has gone again…. I _WISH_ he could see this…."

Clark (dejectedly shaking his head): "God almighty…."

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Heheheeeee! Hope you enjoyed that! Long live Superman!


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for your lovely reviews, you're too kind! And now chapter 2…. Same idea again! Clark tries in vain to explain to everyone that he and Superman are THE SAME PERSON. Will anyone believe him?

Also, there's a little scene at the end, showing just how few people in Clark's office actually _bother_ to notice him.

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Chapter 2 of this bizarre charade!

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Early one afternoon, Clark, still in his Superman costume and glasses, walks into a fast-food restaurant. (Saving an entire continent and a small Pacific island in less than 45 seconds has worked up a bit of an appetite). Much to his dismay they are only selling their new line in kryptonite sandwiches, so he dejectedly walks out again.

Passers by see the man in the tight blue suit with an 'S' on his chest and a billowing red cape _and glasses_.

Everyone: "GOOD _GOD!_ Who on earth is that idiot in that ridiculous costume? He's obviously _insane!_"

As the crowd advance menacingly, Clark suddenly notices that one of the men is holding a newspaper, which has a GIANT photo of Superman on the front-page. Clark hastily grabs it and holds the full sized photo next to his own head.

Clark (desperately): "Look!"

Everyone: "OH MY GOD!"

Clark: "_At last!_"

Everyone: "THIS AWFUL MAN IS HOLDING A NEWSPAPER! SOMEONE ARREST HIM!"

Clark, sensing a sticky situation, prepares to run. His glasses fall off in his haste.

Everyone: "OH MY GOD! IT'S SUPERMAN!" Everyone hurtles towards him at lightning speed and shout to him. "SUPERMAN! PLEASE! Save us from the awful insane idiot in the ridicul - "

They all turn around to point to the insane man. "Wait – where did he go?" They look around frantically. "_What?_ He's completely vanished!"

Clark (to himself): _Just like all of your brain cells_.

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A little while later, and with his glasses back in place, Clark decides to head back to the office. He returns to discover that everyone is excitedly discussing a new sighting of Superman outside a kryptonite fast-food restaurant.

Clark finally decides that he can no longer stand it. He leaps onto a desk, his cape slicing through the air, and addresses the entire room.

Clark: "EVERYONE!"

Lois (indignantly): "Who is that idiot?"

Colleague: "I don't know, but his red hover boots are damaging the furniture."

Clark suddenly shoots a powerful beam of blue light from the end of his index finger and carves the letters 'I AM SUPERMAN' onto the solid metal wall.

Lois (screwing up her eyes): "I can't read that – I need my glasses."

Clark: "Here – use these." Clark takes off his glasses and offers them to her.

Bad move, Clark.

Everyone: "OH MY GOD! IT'S SUPERMAN!"

50,000 screaming women suddenly launch themselves at Clark and faint in his arms. (Fortunately, because he is Superman, he manages to simultaneously hold all 50,000 women without any problem).

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Forty hours later, having finally got rid of the screaming lunatics (by parting his hair in a slightly different manner), Clark resumes his position on the desktop. He realises that he needs to go for the _direct_ approach.

Clark (in an extremely clear, loud voice): "I - AM - SUPERMAN."

Office worker (whispering to colleague): "What did that bizarre man just say? He's

obviously talking some made-up gibberish because he's _insane_."

Colleague (whispering back): "Just keep him talking while I phone the police."

Office worker (desperately searching for a topic to distract Clark with): "So, I – er – wonder what this week's winning lottery numbers will be?"

Clark (promptly): "They will be 3, 12, 27, 39, 42, 46, and the bonus ball will be 19!"

Suddenly, the radio is heard….

RADIO: "….and you should expect there to be lots of rain this afternoon. So concludes today's weather report…. And now, here are this week's winning lottery numbers! They are - 3, 12, 27, 39, 42, 46, and the bonus ball is 19."

Everyone (in complete shock): "OH MY GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"

Clark (to himself): _Finally!_

Everyone: "IT'S GOING TO RAIN THIS AFTERNOON!"

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A little later that day, a new girl enters the office.

Office worker (to colleague): "Who is that?"

Colleague: "Oh, that's just the new girl. She started working here 45 seconds ago. Her name is Sally Anne Victoria Porter, she's 32 years old, her favourite flower is a tulip, her mother's maiden name is Richardson, she is of Norwegian and South-American descent, she has an allergy to asparagus leaves - "

Office worker (pointing to Clark): "Look – who on earth is that person who has worked in this office for the past 12 billion years?"

Colleague: "You mean the one in red and blue, holding a briefcase that is inscribed with the name Clark Kent and with a sign on his desk saying Clark Kent?"

Office worker: "Yes."

Colleague: "I have absolutely no idea."

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Ah, poor Clark. Will he ever get his point across? (Not likely).


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter has a spoiler for the film Superman Returns!

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Chapter 3

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Lex Luthor swings open the door with a BANG and ushers Lois and Jason into the vast room beyond. He gesures to a largely built, intimidating man who is doing a spot of knitting by the doorway.

Lex (authoritatively): "Keep an eye on these two - and MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GET AWAY!"

Brutus (looking up from the half-completed mittens): "Right, chief."

He thinks for a moment.

Brutus (questioningly): "Shall I put them in that completely empty room made of iron that is impossible to break out of, or shall I seat them in here next to the fax machine, which is incidentally the only form of communication that this building has with the outside world?"

Lex Luthor (angrily): "Use your common sense!" He stalks out of the room.

Brutus seats them next to the fax machine.

Lois sees her opportunity….

Lois (flirtatiously to Brutus): "So, what's a nice guy like you doing in a place like - "

_Author (exasperatedly): "Not that opportunity Lois! The OTHER one…."_

Lois blinks.

_Author: "FAX MACHINE."_

Lois (sheepishly): "Oh, right - "

She turns towards her son.

Lois (softly, to Jason): "Honey - go and play the piano to distract that man whilst I send a fax to get someone to rescue us."

Jason: "Sorry?"

Lois (shouting): "Go and play the PIANO to DISTRACT THE MAN while I send a FAX to get someone to RESCUE US."

Jason (frowning slightly): "What, mommy?"

Lois (screaming at the top of her voice): "GO AND PLAY THE PIANO TO DISTRACT THE MAN WHILE I SEND A FAX TO GET SOMEONE TO RESCUE US!"

Brutus, seeing that Lois requires a little help getting her point across, helpfully picks Jason up and plonks him down at the piano. Lois thanks him profusely for his trouble. Jason immediately starts playing Bach's 475th Concerto in D minor, despite never having seen a piano before in his life. What a talented little fellow.

Brutus, unable to resist the enticing harmonies, joins him with his saxophone that he always keeps in his top pocket.

Lois, meanwhile, turns her attentions towards the fax machine….

Lois (to herself): "Should I just write HELP US or should I use my journalistic skills to produce a masterpiece of writing? After all, I mustn't forget that promotion I've had my eye on…."

Lois' brain: "The second one."

Lois (gratefully): "Thank you, brain! You never let me down."

Clark (listening from a million miles away with his super-hearing): "I wouldn't bet on it…."

Lois proceeds to write an elaborate fax, proof reads it, checks it for spelling mistakes, dots all the i's, crosses all the t's, and signs it with 'Yours Sincerely' before adding her signature at the bottom. Whilst doing all this, she has to ask Jason and Brutus to keep the noise down a little, as she can't concentrate with the loud racket going on in the background. (They kindly oblige).

Fortunately, Brutus remains occupied with the 32-hour long concerto, so Lois has plenty of time in which to complete her masterpiece before any attention is drawn to her.

For some unknown reason, however, she waits until he starts to walk menacingly towards her before she tries to send the fax. Just to increase the suspense a little….

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	4. Chapter 4

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Chapter 4

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"AAAAARRRGGHH!" A boulder the size of Australia careered down the mountainside towards the people gathered below. Before anyone had a chance to wonder when exactly the mountainside had appeared in the middle of the city and where on earth the boulder had come from, a bright red and blue figure appeared on the horizon.

"Good grief! What will save us from this extremely unlikely event?" squealed a young woman, quite beside herself with fright.

Not to worry! In 0.25 seconds flat, Clark deftly seized the boulder and slowed it to a standstill. He proceeded to disintegrate the giant rock with his supersonic laser beam and project the fragments into outer space, all without even breaking a sweat. He was annoyed, however, to find that a little dust had smudged on his finger. Blasted boulder.

"My word, look at that attention seeker," commented an old lady scornfully, turning her nose up at their saviour. "His clothes are different from ours – he _must_ be bad news."

There was a scuffling noise as a policeman picked his way through the gathered crowd to see what all the fuss was about. "Ok folks, what's going on here?"

One woman quickly filled him in on the events of the last minute and a half. "That man just saved 4,200 people from an almost certain death, but he's wearing his underpants over his trousers. He's clearly insane and is scaring the children."

Clark's eyes widened in disbelief. "_What?_ I just SAVED you all!"

A team of 34 policemen promptly surrounded him.

"For God's sake," Clark protested, "I'm Superman!"

One of the officers snorted and pointed to Clark's glasses. "And what are those, then? _X-ray specs_?"

Everyone laughed at his outstanding wit.

"No, really!" Clark protested. "Look!" He walked towards a kryptonite lamppost and it soon became clear that it was visibly weakening him at an alarming rate.

The policeman rolled his eyes. "Just come along quietly, sir," he instructed. "We don't want any trouble."

All 34 policemen rushed forward to handcuff Clark. He lazily held them all back with one finger.

The policeman rang his superior and spoke into his phone. "Chief – looks like we've got a troublemaker here. I think you'd better come and have a look."

An irate voice was heard on the other end. "_Can't it wait? I've just put a quiche in the oven. What's the problem?_"

The policeman continued. "We've got an idiot here who looks like, acts like, talks like and claims to be Superman. He has a deadly aversion to kryptonite and has the strength of twenty thousand elephants."

"_So what makes you think he isn't - ?_"

"His hair is slightly different."

"_Woah! His hair is slightly different? Why didn't you say that at the start? He clearly isn't Superman then is he? Arrest that idiot_."

The policeman blushed furiously at his own stupidity. "Right you are, chief." He quickly turned on the superhero, who decided not to make a scene.

Clark sighed as he was lead away. _And I'm expected to save these birdbrains._


	5. Chapter 5

A short chapter this time!

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Chapter 5

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Forty reporters are falling over each other, trying to squeeze an interview out of their Superhero.

Everyone: "SUPERMAN! SUPERMAN! Please! Just one interview!"

Clark finally relents, and turns to face them all.

Clark (to himself): _Hang on a minute – this is the perfect time to show them who I really am._

Clark (in a loud voice): "Before I answer any questions, I have something to show you all."

He slowly takes out his trademark Clark-Kent glasses from his pocket and hands them to the reporter at the front, who happens to be Lois.

Everyone (gob-smacked): "OH MY GOD!"

They all stare at Superman with wide eyes.

Clark (kindly): "It's ok everyone, I know that this is a lot to take in - "

Lois (looking at the glasses in awe): "I can't believe that you've given us a priceless artefact from the weird and wonderful planet that you come from, you amazing Superhero! We'll cherish it forever!"

They all nod emphatically.

Clark (in disbelief): _I'd like to know what weird and wonderful planet you lunatics come from._

Jimmy (in raptures): "It must be a token of your affection for mankind! I wonder what amazing powers it has!"

Clark (to himself): _When God gave out brains, you lot must have been right at the back of the queue._

They all end up fighting over who gets to keep the glasses. Unable to come to an agreement, they instead decide to sell the priceless artefact on ebay. The British Museum buys it for a whopping 42 billion pounds.

Lois subsequently spends her share of the money on a bean that an old woman promises her will grow into a magic beanstalk.

It doesn't.

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	6. Chapter 6

An extreme version of that everlasting mystery: "Why doesn't anybody in the office except Jimmy notice Clark?"

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Chapter 6

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It's early in the afternoon and Jimmy and Clark are having a conversation by Jimmy's desk. Lois suddenly walks up and places a concerned hand on Jimmy's shoulder.

Lois (choosing her words carefully): "Jimmy, are you alright?"

Jimmy (in confusion): "Of course! Er - why?"

Lois: "You've been standing there talking to yourself for the last ten minutes."

Jimmy (completely baffled): "What?"

Lois: "Actually, I've noticed it quite a bit lately - "

Jimmy (pointing at Clark): "I wasn't talking to myself, I was talking to _him!_"

Lois turns a full 360 degrees and sees no one. She turns back to Jimmy with concern.

Lois (kindly): Have you been getting enough sleep?

Jimmy (rolling his eyes): "For goodness sake, Lois, he's standing _right next to you_."

Clark (waving his hand in front of Lois' face): "Hello there."

Lois decides it will probably be easier just to agree with Jimmy.

Lois (patronisingly to Jimmy and nodding vigorously): "Yes, yes, of course he is."

Jimmy (gesturing towards Clark): "He's right here! LOOK!"

Lois (pursing her lips): "We'll have a chat this evening after work, OK?"

She turns to leave, then remembers something.

Lois: "Oh – by the way - can I borrow your stapler?"

Jimmy: "Sure thing, Lois."

He scuffles on his desk for a few seconds then smacks his forehead.

Jimmy: "Ooops I forgot, I lent it to Clark."

Lois (raising her eyebrows at Jimmy in an 'are you feeling alright?' kind of way): "Who on earth is _Clark?_"

Jimmy (incredulously): "HE'S STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!"

Lois (looking straight at Clark and frowning): "What are you talking about Jimmy? All I see is empty space."

Clark (to himself): _Which is what a neurosurgeon would see if he looked for your brain, Lois_.

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	7. Chapter 7

A really short chapter this time, featuring Lex and Kitty.

Although Kitty is a sort of accessory character who doesn't really serve any purpose, I think she's quite witty and she REALLY made me crack up in Superman Returns when Lex asked her "What did my father always say to me?" and she replied "Get out?"

I do think she's got a brain lurking in there and that she exaggerates her silliness to play Lex a little.

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Chapter 7

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Lex (frowning): "I've been thinking."

Kitty (to herself): "I thought I could smell burning rubber."

Lex: "Something's been bothering me…."

Kitty (filing her nails): "It's two."

Lex: "What?"

Kitty: "One plus one. It's _two_."

Lex (rolling his eyes): "_Actually_ I was trying to think of a foolproof plan to get that idiot _Superman_."

Kitty (sarcastically, in a low voice): "Well you could just stroll down to the Daily Planet and find Clark Kent, seeing as though he and Superman are the SAME PERSON."

Lex (snapping out of his daze): "Sorry, what did you say?"

Kitty (thinking quickly): "I said do you think this pink scarf goes with my shoes?"

She twirls on the spot.

Lex (peering at the scarf, all thoughts of Superman gone from his mind): "Hmm…try the red one."

Kitty: "Oooh yes, marvellous idea."

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